With every word you say, the more and more I don't want to listen. Everything you say is a lie. I want to believe you, but I don't. And it saddens me when you decide it's time, but time doesn't revolve around you because honestly, you're not that great so don't be so humble. I'm just waiting for that moment when it all backfires, when you realize what an ass you are and how much I don't love you. Then you'll see, you'll understand and change your ways but by then, it'll be by far way too late. So, keep it up, do what you're doing, it seems to be making you happy on the outside.. You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me.

it's all so overrated.

keri is the best for sending me an elf bookmarker. i don't read books, but i love it anyway! maybe i should start reading books? ehh, i'm over it. for a while, i wanted to move down south, maybe to san diego. infact, i was getting shit ready to transfer and whatnot, why you ask.. well, i figured that i'm given chances in my life to do great things, and if i have all these chances to go different places, live different lives, then why the hell shouldn't i take advantage of that? i'm fortunate to be where i am today, but if i have the opportunity to do it somewhere else, i might as well take every chance i get, right or wrong? today is one of those days that i just want to sleep forever. or at least for a week or so.. that would be so fabulous. and i wish i wasn't so fuckin emotional about everthing, and on top of that, i'm so fuckin frustrated.. sexually, mentally, emotionally.. it's time i take care of that ;) i know that your eyes see straight through me and speak to me when i was down.

HurlyPrincess281 (2:40:12 PM): well good...thats what im here for...other than the sex
NutMeg09 (2:40:18 PM): yeah, true

what am i to do with the games you play with me? how am i supposed to feel? what am i supposed to think, that everything will be alright? that everything is normal? i don't think so, not today. so tell me this, why does the wind blow your lies right out of my ears? why is it so easy for me to see right though you when you're trying so hard not to be seen? from now on, all i'm drinking is water. and all i want to do is look into a mirror and tell myself that everything is fine. but because you've done this to me for so long, i'm fucked up, you fucked me up, and i can't help it, but fuck up everyone i know, the same way i was toyed with. you find some sick pleasure doing this, over and over again.. you don't change, you don't care. i can't help but wonder what we could've been, what we should've been..

"like the naked leads the blind. i know i'm selfish, i'm unkind. sucker love i always find, someone to bruise and leave behind."

Where am I today? I wish that I knew cause looking around there's no sign of you, I don't remember one jump or one leap just quiet steps away from your lead. I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too, feeling this short of a love that we once knew, I'm calling this home when it's not even close, playing the role with nerves left exposed. Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines. Others have excuses, but I have my reasons why. We get distracted by dreams of our own, but nobody's happy while feeling alone and knowing how hard it hurts when we fall, we lean another ladder against the wrong wall
and climb high to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky, while others have excuses, I have my reasons why. With so much deception it's hard not to wander away..

And it's taken me a while but it's finally happened. I have learned to appreciate all the little things in life that are worth while. The sad thing is that it's taken me this long to actually appreciate those little things, but the good thing is that when I started to appreciate those things is when I met you..

Constantly I tell myself that I'm going to change, I'm going to become a better person.. But the harder I try, the more and more I'm pushed back to where I started. And I don't get it, usually when someone wants something so bad, they'll work to get it, but I see myself working harder and harder but the end always turns out the same.. was I just meant to stay like this forever? It's like I'm trapped in a box, a Megan-box. Outside of the box is change, but inside I'm just stuck, no ladder, no help whatsoever. I'm just trapped. And it's days like these that I wish I were trapped with you, because whenever I'm with you I'm not trapped, I'm free.. free to love you.

i just don't get why people would lie about something so important, something they care about soo much. little petty lies i can somewhat understand, but something of this importance, just doesn't make sense. what is it that they are afraid of? anything they say isn't going to make matters worse, how did it get that bad to begin with? not being honest perhaps..? anyway, grab your balls and let go of your pride, trust me.. it'll be worth it in the long run.

i love you so much that i'd die if you asked me to. i have so much respect for you, nothing you say could turn me away. there's just something about you that makes me feel complete, you make me..

i'm very frustrated with people today. grrr.. that's exactly how i feel.

tomorrow is the audition, i'm so anxious, so nervous, so excited!! AHH!! I just HAVE to get on that fuckin show, for seriousness.

i think i'm gonna lay off the tanning for a day, i'm kinda pink today. my ass especially.

And I've been very patient with people, thinking that one day.. just one day, they're grow up and many things will come to their realization. But the more and more I wait, the clearer things become to me. Some people don't grow up, some people don't open their eyes to the bigger picture. And it makes me mad, well not mad, but frustrated. I guess I just don't get it, maybe I never will. How can some people never grow up? Do they not realize how they act?

So maybe I like doing the things I do, and sometimes I like having those things done to me too. But sometimes when other people try to be me, it's just annoying. They can't spit it like I can, no one can. I can't help the way I am, I can't help the way I feel. And it's true, I do want to feel certain things, I do want that security, but it's hard for me, mainly because I'm embarassed and afraid of how you're going to judge me. And I hate it, I hate it so much..


I can't take this any longer.. but it won't heal until I'm stronger.