"why are you telling this to leslie.. and me?"

for some reason, my sister cori and i were visiting my auntie joyce (who somewhat resembles the devil to me), uncle gordon and two cousins alex and adam in oakland for a few days. one day, my aunt wanted to take us to the zoo, so adam, cori and i hopped in the car and before you knew it, we were off to the zoo (in oakland, of course). as we all know, i'm a very curious child who likes to touch things and push buttons just to see what happens. the three of us were in the backseat, i was sitting on the left side behind my witchy aunt, then it was adam dressed in his judo outfit (what a fag), then my sister on the right. we were sitting at a red light for some time, so i started looking around for things that i could play with. well, i thought the doors were locked so i thought to myself, "if these doors are locked, then when i try to open it.. it won't." i built up so much courage inside of me, kept looking around at my aunt, my sister and then my cousin and finally i pulled on the latch. the door popped open as the light turned green, my aunt freaked out and cars behind her started honking because she was holding up traffic, she immediately ordered adam to unbuckle his seatbelt and shut the door (which i could've done myself, but since no one trusted me i guess that wasn't an option). my wicked aunt of the west lectured me on why we shouldn't do things like that, blah blah, and naturally it all went in one ear and out the other. boy was she pissed, but i was so over it. eventually we arrived at the zoo and i was so excited that i started running to the entrance. apparantly i wasn't supposed to do that either because once again, it was "wrong." moving right along.. we were walking around the zoo, admiring all the animals (like normal zoo-goers) and suddenly i had to use the bathroom, maybe it was all the icee's, or perhaps it was the fact that i drank four bottles of water. so anyway, my aunt left cori and adam by the polar bears (cause they were BIG kids, la-de-frickin-da!) and she escorted me to the bathroom. she didn't have to use the restroom so she told me she'd wait outside for me, since public bathrooms are about as nasty as the stench trench between a hooker's legs . i had to wait in line, but fortunately it wasn't for long. everything came out just fine, if that's what you're wondering. except when i flushed the toilet the rock that i thrown down there moments before got lodged in the pipe, thus creating major build up and massive water pressure. so after i got done washing my hands, i heard a noise in the stall i was just in. all of the sudden, water shot up, hitting the ceiling, soaking innocent bystanders. i fuckin jetted out of that bathroom so fast with a fatty grin on my face, i located my aunt grabbed her hand and insisted on finding cori and adam. she never found out about the bathroom incident, luckily! but we met back up with them and decided that we wanted to go on the gondola (you know, the ski lift like machine that goes over the whole zoo on a wire and you sit with your feet dangling and whatnot..). since my cousins and my sister would always pick on me, never wanted to do anything with me, would make fun of me non-stop, i'm sure you could guess who i had to ride with -- my aunt, since they were only two seaters. naturally when you're high up in the air, your first instinct is to spit, or throw something and watch it splatter.. well, that was my first instinct at least. during the whole ride i had to fuckin behave, since i was sitting next to satan, i mean my aunt. but i was going crazy inside, i had a toy plane that i wanted to launch, but i couldn't. i wanted to spit water over the edge but i couldn't do that either because it was too obvious. so, instead i slowly slipped off my shoes and let them drop into the gorilla cage. boy, i had never seen my aunt turn so red out of frustration and irritation with me before. she bitched at me for days and days but i couldn't help but laugh. i remember watching my shoes fall, slowly and weightlessly, then all the sudden poof! a big cloud of dust from where they dropped, and the sound of gorillas roaring. after we got off the ride, we had to go get my shoes because my aunt wouldn't let me walk around the park shoeless.. saying there was unsanitary things like glass and garbage heroine needles, etc. as she, my cousin and my sister were trying to find a zoo keeper to ask for help, i very sneakily snuck off to see the giraffes. being the little mischievous hell raiser that i was, i decided that i wanted to get a closer look at the giraffes so i snuck into the pin and started petting one of the babies. i think i named it jeffery. clever, i know. so, i'm petting this giraffe, and i swear to god, we were fuckin bonding. it wanted me to keep petting it, and there was no way in hell that i wanted to stop. it felt so good, i almost wanted to rub it on my face but for some reason, i didn't. so, the other giraffes were eating tree leaves, doing the whole giraffe thing and i was luring the baby giraffe jeffery over to a boulder. you might be wondering what the fuck i was trying to do. well, if i could get jeffery to the boulder, i could stand on the rock, and climb onto the back of the giraffe and take it for a ride. well, i got jeffery over to the boulder, conning him with some tree leaves and asian love so i began to climb onto the rock, being careful not to lose my balance and more importantly not to lose the interest of jeffery. believe it or not, i got on the back of a fuckin giraffe and i probably rode it (and i say "it" because i'm not sure if jeffery was a boy giraffe or a girl giraffe)around the pin oh i'd say.. 3 laps. only 3 laps before the jeffery's parents and also the visitors noticed that there was a kid on a giraffes back. i'll tell you, that was fuckin wild, cause honestly who rides the back of a giraffe, and better yet, who sneaks into the pin and lures a giraffe to a rock so you can ride it at the age of 5? i'll tell you -- megan "the captain" renee nicholson, that's who biotches! my reign of terror was over. my auntie joyce, adam and cori found me. i don't remember much after that, just a lot of cussing and yellling, then blindfolding me and handcuffing me and throwing me in the trunk for the ride home. after we got home my aunt gave me some tranquillizers and other sedatives and as far as i know it was smooth sailing from there on out. to this day i can still remember the smile on jeffery's oddly shaped giraffe face. good times.