i've never felt so fuckin alone in my life. i've never felt so abandoned. i have no where to turn, no where i want to turn to, i just want to die, in my bed, with thousands of pillows surrounding me. is that weird? i don't really care because i'm weird, and i don't really mind. i'll never find true happiness, nor will it ever find me. i was born to be miserable, but to be thankful at the same time for actually having the opportunity to be miserable. does that make sense? probably not, my brain is about to explode, my heart has already pounded through my chest. i'm lost, i have no map, i have no compass, i have nothing but this emptiness inside my body. there's nothing there, and there's nothing that can possibly fill that void. i've come to terms with it, i mean, what can i do anyway? and even if i could, i'm not gonna do a damn thing because i'm not worth it, and it's not worth my time. i'm broken and that's all there is to it..

i guess i just don't understand. we have a garbage shoot, yet people find it hard to throw the garbage down it.. instead, they just leave it next to the garbage shoot. how does this make any sense whatsoever? it's just laziness. it's already convenient to throw it down the shoot, it's really not that hard. come on people, let's get a grip. let's all do our part.

i guess i just don't understand why i constantly feel like i've done something wrong. i don't get it. i'll admit if i'm causing trouble, or if i'm being malicious.. but i'm not. please, can't we all just get along?

[ .i almost feel like i wasted all my love the first time. ]

i guess i feel used. i'm not sure how else to put it, and to be honest, i'm tired of writing about this..

also.. i know you're reading this. and i miss you.

now that i think about it, i wish i would've called the cops. i'm sorry, i'm not all about stalkers, especially when i don't ask for them. i honestly felt so fucking violated, and for the first time, it made me uncomfortable. i've never felt so pissed off, or scared, or angry all at once. i've never actually wanted to cut a bitch like i did last week. honestly, shut the fuck up already.

okay, so this weekend i'm going to vegas. umm.. yeah. it's gonna be like that. it's honestly just like a dream, it doesn't seem real, nor will it until i'm wasted on top of a bar with my top off. but, that's what vegas is all about, right? haha.. if not, that's what i'm gonna make it.

i've had an epiphany. my eyes are opened. my heart is bleeding the reddest of blood. nothing has felt so fucking good.