so much of our life is spent trying to figure out who we are. most of the time, feeling so lost and unsure, i long to be who i once was. constantly i'm changing, becoming better than i was before.. i was rediscovering myself, one piece at a time. in order to change you have to let go of things so familiar and comforting. you begin to feel out of place, not who you once were and that's because you aren't who you once were, you're changed, you're out of your comfort fuckin zone. as you're changing, you want so badly to be who you were, instead of being who are you. change is feared so deeply, but it is the only constant in life. so we go through this vicious cycle of changing, then becoming comfortable, changing again [so called "being lost or unsure of who we really are"] then settling down again. if only we could welcome change and accept the fact we are constantly changing as people. turns out "feeling lost" is nothing more than becoming a better person. and it seems that this "vicious cycle" is nothing more than life. so much of our fuckin life is spent lived in the past, longing for what used to be. the other part of our life is spent looking forward to what is going to come. it's fuckin disgusting to realize "if not now, when?"

so fuckin precious
Word.

let's get one thing very clear..

i will judge you based on your hair.

"you remind me of the times when i knew who i was"

it's funny that once you don't have anything holding you back, you have the world in your hands.. no school, no work (yet), no real reservations other than to get drunk, sleep late, live your fuckin life.

it amazes me to see how people change from the slightest, well.. anything. we graduated two years ago, two fuckin years ago, and where is everyone now? maybe serving time, still at home, or even being that college student that's stereotyped so often. the people that you once knew are so different now, just as you are. if you realize it or not, your world has changed dramatically, along with the people inside. "here i am, pouring my heart onto these rooftops." i'm turning twenty, and although that isn't that old, i'm beginning to reflect on things that happened three years ago, only three fuckin years ago. beginning in first grade, all i wanted was to grow up. but now that i'm almost "grown up" (well, legally at least) i don't want to anymore. being a kid was so stressless, so worry-free. the older you get, the more responsibility you get.. FUCK THAT. maybe i use my knees as an excuse, i could've blown this town away. maybe that wasn't my destiny, but maybe it was? "i'll be just fine, pretending i'm not." i don't belong at home anymore, it's just a feeling you get.. like how do you know when you've become a "woman" or a "man".. you don't know, just one day you realize this is how it's going to be from here on. "i've made my mark in an ocean of stars now fading."

and there was never any place, for someone like me to be terribly happy.

front of the house.. thus far
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the garages
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guest house and detach garage
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front yard view
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it's a sad story
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joker
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turlock sky
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new house
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oh amels
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not drunk at all
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corkscrew
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and now it seems that i have found nothing at all. i wanna hear your voice out loud, slow it down. without it all i'm choking on nothing, it's clear in my head i'm screaming for something.