Yay.. New Year's Eve!! Pecker is throwing a little party, I will be completely liquored and of course.. dancing :) I can't even explain the excitement, oh boy oh boy oh boy!

I'm not sure how I feel now about everything. I mean, I would THINK you'd be better than you really are, but I guess people change, or maybe.. people change people for bad bad reasons. Whatever, I'm over it..

Pot bling.. WHAT?

hmm wow.. some time has passed. i don't ever want to come home, to be honest. i'm still down here in costa mesa at my sister's pad, chillin with her and johnny. i don't do shit, i don't have to do shit.. it's great. i haven't been drunk everyday for a long time now. my tolerance has built up so much, it's crazy. talk about being drunk.. well, this morning at breakfast with my parents.. TOTALLY hung over. threw up in the car on the way back from breakfast. hmm, not good times. at least they don't know, or i hope they don't know. they shouldn't.. uggh

so, i'm not quite sure when i'll be coming home. sunday, i was planning on going to 6 flags, but i'm not sure if my sister has the day off or not. so, i guess if we go, i'll be home monday or tuesday, and if she doesn't have the day off, maybe i'll be back sunday night. it's not like i have anything at home to rush back for. that's about it for now, by the way, i'm very very liquored.

It's been two days since I've been here. Friday night was excellent.. once I finally got home. Went to see Mona Lisa Smile.. GOOD MOVIE!! Haven't seen the movies that packed since.. well.. ever. Last night was Jaclyn's birthday/my adoption day :) So, we were planning on going out dancing, which seemed like a good idea. Just a few problems.. the club was 21+ last night, Hannah had to leave at 12, no one was "drunk enough" so instead, we just hung out at Allison's house, picked up some cigars and went to the park to smoke them. Turned out to be a good night, a really good night.

I really want to leave tomorrow to go down south to my sister's place because Bakersfield is on the way, which means I would get to see Mike.. YAY! But, since my sister isn't returning my phone calls, I might just have to wait until Wednesday. No worries though.

Being home sucks. It's nice to be with everyone, but 1. Turlock sucks fat cock, 2. I'm gonna be stuck here for 5 damn weeks, 3. The people here aren't too "accepting" which extremely bothers me. Uggh.. can't win them all, right? 5 weeks will fly by, right? I sure hope so..

So, I should've already left for home, but I didn't exactly wake up at the planned time. Boy do I cherish my snooze button. Anywho, oddly enough, it turns out a friend offered to take me home, which actually works out nicely because I have a lot of shit to take with me on a fuckin train..well BART. But, moving right along.. it's raining -- YAY!!! I L<3VE the rain!! Now, I'm just plaing Super Mario Bros. 3 on REGULAR nintendo.. bringing back some memories.. ohh tear! Last night was sad, and it's so weird how I'm actually gonna miss this place. I'll be up here soon enough though.. Welp, that's all for now, gonna go play some more.. wait for Haley to get here.. miss you Mike.

It's so funny how one day two people can say that they'll always be together, no matter what. They just talk about the future with eachother in it and don't stop to think.. what happens when things change? Not once did they consider the possibility that one day they won't be together, they won't be in eachother's futures, they won't even be talking.. It's funny because not once did I think about this, not once. I mean, I pictured (maybe) like a week where we wouldn't talk, but not months, not like it has been. So, now it makes me think, was everything we've been through just a lie? We both made promises and neither one of us are keeping them nor are we trying to either. Honestly, I never thought this to be possible, for us to be in this situation.. for us not to be "us" anymore. People are asking after you and it's hard for me to answer mainly because I don't know the answer. It sucks to look back at the times we shared and think, that's all we have now, that's all we're gonna have. If, by some chance, you read this.. just know that I miss you, I'm always going to miss you and I will always love you with everything my heart can give you.

sex is fun.. but not SEX SEX, just sex. it's not like i have sex, this is just what i hear from my friends that have sex, but not sex sex. get it? ha ha

I didn't even write yesterday, that's how fuckin shitty I was feeling. I was in my bed for 18 hours, and the only time I got up was to go to the bathroom or to get more water. Luckily the bathroom is only.. (hold on, I'm counting..) 3 doors down. Funny how that works, considering there is a band named that. Anyway, I'm rambling and rambling (or actually, typing and typing) because I'm on hella meds, and they make me feel happy and perky.. oo la la! so they make me bounce off the walls a bit, not that there's anything wrong with that.

My mommy came up this morning at 10 to take care of me. She brought a huge ass bad full of meds and food and other random shit. Isn't she nice? I think I'm gonna go chill at the hotel tonight, take a nice warm bath, minus the shower shoes, YAHOO!, and just sleep forever. Actually, I don't think I could sleep forever yet, but a week would be a sufficent alternative.

About the concert.. KICKED MAJOR ASS!! It was so amazing (as if it wasn't going to be) even though Adam was a little drunk in the beginning and practically ruined Mr. Jones. But The Wallflowers rocked hard, and Adam and Jacob singing together was almost orgasmic.. Boy, I thought I'd have to go change my panties, THAT'S how good it was!!! Enough about my orgasming stories though..

"You still have all of me" sad to say, but the truth does hurt.. AHHH!!

There's something about the look in your eyes, something i noticed when the light was just right, it reminded me twice that i was alive, and it reminded me that you're so worth the fight..

So, tonight is the night of the concert, YAY!! Counting Crows with the Wallflowers opening at the Warfield here in San Francisco.. that's gonna be good stuff. Especially since I've got a 18 pack of coronas coming my way, ohh yum.

Last night definitely was something of interest. I'm not exactly sure what to say about it or even how to explain it, but it was definitely good fuckin times, and I just have a strange feeling that another night like that is coming my way..it's just unfortunate that we didn't end up going to the club.. can we say PISSED?! Cause that's EXACTLY what i was feeling. Yes, the anger has set in, don't remind me.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating mind
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Don't you ever wonder? Don't you ever dream? I always ask myself.. what if this, what if that? Seriously though, WHAT IF?!

People are strange lately. I mean, is it MY fault that I'm a dumbass.. well I guess they got me there. But, everyone seems so uptight and moody. Take a breath, and GET OFF THIS! I'm used to harassment and criticism and complaints.. etc etc.. but right now, it just seems a LOT heavier than usual. Why me? Uggh, life is funny.

Actually, what's funny is this: I make a cd to take on a trip right? Everyone song I say, "man, this is a good song!" But when I think about it.. DUH MEGAN, I'm not gonna put a bad song on a cd, especially one that I'm making..

I'm a vampire slayer. You probably don't believe me, but have you seen any vampires lately? My point exactly.

Today I slept through my English final.. good fuckin times. Luckily I don't have to make it up, thank you very much Rob. Umm..

To watch the leaves grow on the trees with you is out of question.
I walk into this summer all alone the usual session.
You feel your instinct then you act but was it your intention,
To leave me down and broken now you've ended our ascension.
Yeah.
I still can feel the beach sand in my shoes. Remember when,
We talked along the ocean's song 'til blue from black fade in?
But that was then I learned to live without you far within'.
I ask you why you're back to try to let me lose again?
You brought me here you wet my taste.
You disapeer without a trace.
It wasn't me who made the call.

"What do you want from me?"

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM YOURSELF?!

So, despite all the sadness and ickyness I'm feeling, there's always happiness somewhere under it all. You can tell me there isn't, but then you'd just be a liar. So, I got to talk to *him tonight and it seems as if he's interested, once again :) I guess we'll all find out on Friday, if he comes up!! Boy, talk about having a good time.. We're going out to the X, and on top of all that fun, it's X-Rated night, THAT means we're gettin a little FREAKY.. scurrrrred!!! <~~Damn you, Mike!! D.B. couldn't live without you! But anywho, moving right along..

We be creepin' and sneakin', just to keep it from leakin', we so deep in our freakin', that we don't sleep on the weekend.. Cause that's how we do

Hmm, well today wasn't so swell. Woke up barely breathing, throat swollen as hell. Went down to the student center to get my flu shot, turns out you're not supposed to do that when you're feeling lousey. Uggh! Tomorrow will be great, I'm sure.. At least it's the last day of school before finals. Gosh, I can't wait for that shit to be over with.

So, I'm excited for Saturday.. Counting Crows Concert, and Hannah and Jaclyn are gonna stay the night. Gotta load up on beer..

Been doing a lot of thinking lately.. drives me crazy. I guess I just miss the past, and everyone who was in it. Now, we all try to revert back to those "good times" and they're just not the same. Those times were then, but this is now.. We're just not on the same page anymore, in fact, we're not even reading the same book anymore. Makes me sad, ya know?