so maybe i'm not over it, but that doesn't give you the right to treat me like shit. i thought you considered us "friends" but to me, friends don't treat other friends like this. hmm, no more dancing for me.

Forgive and Forget.
Relive and Regret.

If your heart gets broken, let it break.

constantly i screw up,
constantly i hurt you,
because of that
i feel shitty.
then i get to thinking
how i did you wrong
suddenly i remember
why you were worth fighting for.
why i'm an ass,
i just don't know.
it's not that i'm embarassed
it's just that i feel uncomfortable,
mainly cause once again i got my hopes
so fucking high you can't even see to the top.
bottom line, i love you.
i'm sorry..

put out or hold out?

"am i just wanting all the sex or do i actually want a REAL relationship?"

Her virtues: she has the ability to make each and every day feel like it's a party. she'll be generous, optimistic, candid, and amitious. Her curiosity keeps her interests fresh and growing, and her enthusiasm will easily rub off on you. she has a great deal of inspiration, and she will be committed to creating and maintaining the best soul-mate relationship possible.

Her vanities: she loves to show off and does whatever she can to attract attention. there will be times that she will ignore you, when she wants to be positioned center stage herself. she can be terribly impatient and intolerant at times, and her sharp tongue can cut ribbons through you when you least expect it. she is sometimes self-centered and arrogant, and she won't take well to criticism, especially from you.

You just can't be asking for more when you're not happy with what you already have.

"I know that with some people, I seduce them. How? I have NO FUCKIN IDEA!! Jamie would know. But probably only her.."

well i want you to notice, to notice when i'm not around. i know that your eyes see straight through me, speak to me without a sound..

i'm not gonna lie, coulda lasted longer.

i'm not sure how everything is going to work out now. i mean, all it is.. so far.. is sex. not REAL sex, gosh nevermind. anyway, i guess i don't know how to feel right now. we're so alike its fuckin crazy.. i'm over it

finally back. only took forever to unpack, but the drive was plesant. i miss this place, crazytown ehh? gotta love stealing snacks from crossroads, not to mention all the fun times we shared playing guesstures. makes one wonder if life is one big game and you have to guess what ... nevermind, thats just stupid.

I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
when the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen
but i'm slipping inbetween
you and your big dreams
it's always you
in my big dreams

and you tell me that it's over
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover
and your restless, and i'm naked
you've gotta get out
you can't stand to see me shaking
no
could you let me go?
I didn't think so

and you don't wanna be here in the future
so you say the present's just a pleasent interruption to the past
and you don't wanna look much closer
cuz your afraid to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had crashed
and it did
because of me

and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that you're alone
and i'm sleeping in your living room
we don't have much room to live

I had these dreams that i learned to play guitar
maybe cross the country
become a rock star
and there was hope in me that i could take you there
but dammit you're so young
well i don't think i care
and if i hurt you
then i'm sorry
please don't think that this was easy

then you bring me home
cuz we both know what it's like to be alone
and i'm dreaming in your living room
we don't have much room to live

and konstantine is walking down the stairs
doesn't she look good
standing in her underwear
and i was thinking
what i was thinking
we've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere

my Konstantine came walking down the stairs
and all that i could do is touch her long blonde hair
and i've been thinking
it hurts me thinking that these nights
when we were drinking no they never got us anywhere
no

this is because i can spell konfusion with a k
and i like it
it's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it
it's to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car
when the first star you see may not be a star
I'm not your star
isn't that what you said
what you thought this song meant

and if this is what it takes
just to laugh at my mistakes
and live with what i did to you
and all the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock
it's 11:11
and now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream
you'll always be my konstantine

konstantine, they'll never hurt you like i do
no they'll never hurt you like i do
no, no, no no no no no no

this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey
you know
you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the fucked up things i did
hey
maybe
baby
you could keep me up in bed
my Konstantine
spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen
and i said
did you know i missed you?
oh god i miss you

and then you bring me home
and we'll go to sleep, but this time, not alone, no no
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know
you'll miss me in your living room
cuz these nights i think maybe that i'll miss you in my living room
we don't have much room
i said does anybody need that room?
because we all need a little more room
to live

my Konstantine

so i've come to the conclusion that:

you only live once
go for the gold
beggers can't be choosers
money is overrated.. but nice
take what you can get
eyes on the prize
maple syrup is a wonderful energy drink
i'm over it
and finally..
do what you gotta do

cause that's how we do

Jamie, I lied. This is the song I'd listen to..

Here you can be anything.
I think that scares you.
I've been here before but only by myself.
What giving up gives you and where giving up takes you.
I've had and I've been.
Here in center frame, there's only air.
Just enough space to fit.
I said it out loud over and over but what do I know.
I said it out loud but it did not help.
I'll stop now.
Just so I can hear you I stay up as late as it takes, as long as it takes.
I promised I'd see it again.
I promised I'd see this with you now.

it makes no sense whatsoever and because of that everything makes even more sense. it's hard to grasp, i know, but just go with it.

untie me i've said no vows the train is getting way too loud i've got to leave here my girl and get on with my lonely life just lay the ring on the rail for the wheels to nullify until this turn in my head i let you stay and you paid no rent i spent twelve long months on the lam that's enough sitting on the fence for the fear of breaking dams i find a fatal flaw in the logic of love and go out of my head you love a sinking stone that will never elope so get used to the lonesome girl you must atone some don't leave me no phone number there it took me all of a year to put the poisoned pill to your ear but now i stand on honest ground you want to fight for this love but honey you cannot wrestle a dove so baby it's clear you wanted to jump and dance but you sat on your hands and lost your only chance go back to your hometown get your feet on the ground and stop floating around i find a fatal flaw in the logic of love and went out of my head you love a sinking stone that will never elope so get used to the lonesome girl you must atone some don't leave me no phone number there.


just last night i woke from some unconscionable dream and had it nailed to my forehead again to keep this boat afloat there are things you can't afford to know so i save all my breath for the sails but you'll find those lingering voices are just your ego's attempt to make it all clean and nice and make a moron out of you walking a bridge with weakening cables huddled up in fear and hate because we know our fate and it's a lot to put us through most ideas turn to dust as there are few in which we all can trust haven't you noticed i've been shedding all of mine? so let's abandon that track and leave our fathers fighting in a sack cause we are way too wise-assed for that you might find some fools at your doorstep hustling the latest changes to the book that's the strangest in an attempt to multiply marionettes on weakening cables huddled up with dear and hate because they know their fate and enough to put the best of us on our backs walking up a slide and there are those we know who'd have us five miles off the track.

Staind was FUCKIN AWESOME!! Not just awesome, but fuckin awesome. Loved it. Almost orgasmic ;)

I'm still here in Santa Cruz and everything has been great. Friday night we did some shrooms.. that is some FUN SHIT. Last night we went to some parties, definitely good times. I love being here in SC, it's so chill and everyone is just beautiful, but I'm glad I didn't choose to go to school here because I honestly would never actually go to class. I would smoke out everyday or some crazy shit like that... anyway, that's all. I'm over it :)

I don't understand why people will write things on webpages and whatnot as if they're writing in a yearbook. I mean, you say these things and post them for everyone to read, when in fact, no one really gives a shit mostly because they have no idea what the fuck you're really talking about. Now, for me, this makes me mad. Why don't you quit being a pussy, quit being someone else.. tell the fuckin person what you want. Quit trying to impress everyone else, when honestly, they don't give a flying rats ass. Damn.. that's all I have to say

Mike.. honestly, WHAT THE FUCK?

maybe washing all of this grapefruit and picking it off the trees has some secret meaning. most likely, no. but, life is tricky so no one can ever really be sure. i know one thing, it's freakin hard to type in rubber gloves..mother fucker.

love, like grief, tends to fade away and be replaced by something more exciting..

Alone at last
together in a photograph.
Our eyes are always open
devoted to perfection through silence.
What am I supposed to do?
Should I sit wait for you?
Listen to me screaming more.
This story is old
only to those that have no mold.
The truth can be bought or sold.
But what are we buying?
Nothing but silence.
What am I supposed to do?
Should I sit wait for you?
Listen to me screaming more.
Fold the corners,break the silence,
fold the corners just for tonight...
What am I supposed to do?
Should I sit wait for you?
Listen to me screaming more.

Megan isn't getting drunk again until AT LEAST Thursday night.. AT LEAST! No regrets, as always, but last night was a LOT for me to handle. All I gotta say is no worries..

Whenever I clean my room, it seems endless every single time. Yesterday when Keri was over, I decided that I was bored with my room. I was tired of having my bed at such high altitudes, and my room was just blah. So, we rearranged it. My bed is back on the floor, YAY, and it has a bed-friend to hang out with right next to it. Maybe all of this doesn't make sense, but does life ever make sense? Didn't think so.

Back to my life, i'm so over it

So, it's been some time since I've actually be online, let alone on here to write.. but here I am, sharing my thoughts, feelings, emotions.. blah blah blah.

It's almost been a week that I've been at Hannah's house. The only reason I come home would be to shower/change my clothes. After that's done, well I head back over there. It's nice being away from my parents but still at home, but at the same time, it is kind of strange that they don't really care that I'm over there constantly. I have taken over her parents bedroom and turned it into my own for the time being. I make breakfast, lunch, and cocktails for everyone and for myself as well.. doesn't that seem weird?

Tomorrow Hannah is leaving and I'll be left by my lonesome self. I still have two fuckin weeks here in Turlock and I KNOW I won't be doing anything during that time. Actually, I lied. I will be going down to Santa Cruz as I mentioned before, and then there's the Staind concert in San Francisco, which will be nice to be back in the city (even if it is only for a day or so..). Then, hopefully if all things go nicely, Nicole will come up to visit me. So, in actuality, I guess I'll still be somewhat busy. The days will be boring, that's all..

But, as for that Staind concert, I'm not exactly sure how that's all gonna play out. I mean, sure I wouldn't really wanna go with anyone but Haley, since she is the biggest, obsessed fan I know, but things still aren't right. So, I'm not sure. I just hope that we go out dancing after the concert... cause shit, it's been WAAAAAAAAAAAY too long. So girls, when we all get back to SF, we're fuckin going dancing, DAMN IT!! :)

That's all I really have on my mind right now, plus my soup is waiting for me, yuuum. Peace out homies

My neck is all fucked up, bunch of my friends are leaving for school today.. damn. I guess the only good thing is that we'll be throwing our annual "Hannah's parents aren't home so let's throw a party" party. Yeah, that'll be nice. Oh, and if ANYONE cares.. my birthday is in 11 months, exactly.

I'm so bored here, nothing to do, have to go everywhere.. sucks. I hate spending money on gas. But going down to Santa Cruz will be nice, Cal Poly will be good times.. but a MAJORLY boring drive. I just want to be back up in San Francisco already, I miss those damn dorms and all the people in them.. I miss you Mike. Drive your happy ass up here, you lazy piece of shit.. ;) Just kidding about the lazy piece of shit, but you should drive.

Time for breakfast, I'm out.

Honestly, who throws a shoe? Why you gotta act all stank like that? When the time we have now ends.. wait, I guess that would be today. Don't let someone hold you back, quit being a pussy.

5 hours left until the time of our lives begins. Actually, no. Just kidding. But we are going out tonight.. gettin' a little FREAKY!! Then tomorrow.. boy oh boy, going to the snow.. we're going to the snow. Snow, snow, snow.. better wax up those saucers!

As for you, i'm SO over it. When you realize all the shit you've lost, it'll be FAR too late, my friend. But fortunately for you, life goes on.

Boy oh boy. I haven't written anything since last year.. how did I become such a joker? Honestly, who throws a shoe? Anyway, definitely some wicked-sick times last night. It's a good thing I wasn't around a certain someone, otherwise there might have been some bad things happening.. wink wink.

Happy Fuckin' New Year ;)