[ remember to breathe ]

my insecurities weigh me down like the burden of a child that happened to be the end result to an adulterous adventure. a child who's existence was brought about by deceit, betrayal, treason, and sin. it's no wonder i've found myself in a place of sinners, trying to be saints. the familiar feelings of confusion, doubt, uncertainty, inadequacy, guilt, shame, and misery seemed never to escape my once beating heart. i began learning at a very young age that this world is nothing like it's all wrapped up to be. and that's okay, i've come to terms with it, finally. i've been let down, i've been disappointed, i've been stepped on and walked over. i've been used, i've been taken advantage, i've been taken for granted. i played you, i played the martyr, i've been playing for so long that it's hard for me to take anything serious anymore.  

i feel it necessary to post a photo i've taken to sarcastically describe the way i feel. because in all reality, if you can't laugh at your life, then why live.

for mama bear.

[today was gonna be the day..]


i always feel like i'm waiting, every day it's different. like a disease. taking over my mind, my body, my soul. it's eating me alive; all this anxiety and stress over what? nothing ever happens, nothing ever changes and if it does, it's always within my own control. so why am i wasting my time just waiting around. i'm not sure if i'll ever figure out what i'm waiting for, but everything i could ever hope for, i already have.

at times, when i feel closer to my true self, those are also the times when i feel the most afar.

i think that if life were about konfusion and misunderstandings, learning and growing, then i'd be in first place. but this sick, sick world revolves around money and unfortunately my salary cannot support my life for much longer. so do i just play this game, in a money driven society?

it always comes in waves, the feelings of being inadequate, being alone, being at the bottom of the barrel. i can't compete with him, and i'm not sure that i'll ever win. he's got this hold, a hold that i can't put on anyone because it's not fair and it's not right, but he can't seem to let it go.

it's fucking bullshit being me.

my empty promises brought us to an end, i just hurt you and i never looked back now i have no logic to defend.

i would like to thank you for showing me a part of my world that i've never seen.
i'm forever indebted to you.

i think it always hurts more in the mornings when i wake alone. that painful realization that all has gone wrong, that once again, i've let the one thing in life that matters to me.. slip gracefully away.

i'm good at not standing up for myself. i'm great at hiding my feelings, then letting them explode at all the wrong times. i love trying to please everybody but myself. i can cry immediately, at the mere mentioning of her name. i feel sorry for myself for days on end. i do nothing to change anything i've ever felt. i have no pride in myself, i don't stand for anything, i let people walk over me at times, i whine and cry just to get by, there's nothing good about this.. [so let it go.]

[..my biggest fear will be the rescue of me..]

there's something about the way you move, i see your mouth in slow motion when you sing.


i miss my wifey. i miss my life. but i don't think they were rightfully mine to begin.

[if you read this, i love you. so much]

i'm trying to win back the woman whom which i love..

to be here, like this, all alone, kills me too slowly.

if this is what it feels like, i'd rather not feel. at all.

i've got this humongous hole in my heart, the size of texas, just burning deeper into me. tormenting me with your scent, the way your hair falls onto your face, or the candles and the way they light your eyes.

it hurts. so. bad.